Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You made out with two different species that night
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
