Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
