She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
