It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
