Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
