Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
