My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
