She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
