i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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