My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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