What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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