if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
