I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
