Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
