I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
one might say we're banned from that church
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
