I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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