Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
