I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
