I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
