I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
