Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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