I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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