you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.