if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.