do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door