I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"