Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
