And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
