I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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