There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
