I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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