I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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