my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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