I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
