I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
two words: eviction party
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
