Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
