remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
