Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
