so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
