I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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