moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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