You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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