I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
