I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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