Non-Jews are for practice
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
