Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
