I didn't shave. On purpose
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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