Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
