i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
