i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
