Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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