fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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