Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
