I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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