Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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