morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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